Every year, our chaplains team meets up before school begins and pray and brainstorm over what the spiritual theme will be for the next year. They also search for a verse to go with the theme. This year, they chose Surrender. For a verse, they chose Matthew 16:25; "For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
When Kristy, our high school chaplain, shared the spiritual theme with us during orientation before school started, she asked a penetrating question. What is something that you have had to surrender in the past?
I immediately thought of my dad. Last summer (2022), I was preparing to hike with my friend, Katrina. It was late at night and I received a text from my dad sharing that he has asbestos cancer in his right lung. It came as a shock! As a family, we had just lost our mom and were still grieving her passing. I had just returned to Europe after spending time with family for mom's memorial and I found out that the bronchitis that my dad had right as mom was passing away was actually a symptom of cancer. My heart immediately sank and I remember sharing the text with Katrina, in shock and tears. We immediately prayed over my dad and his cancer. I remember also thinking and sharing that I had just lost my mom and did not want to lose my dad as well. I remember praying and asking God to spare my dad; to heal his cancer so that we would have more time with him. I was scared.
The next day, I called dad and had a conversation with him that included more information about the asbestos cancer. The diagnosis did not change but my heart became lighter as I talked with my dad and heard his voice. He was probably one of the most positive people I have ever known. I was also reminded and counciled my heart that God knew all of this would happen long before I or anyone in my family knew. He was not surprised or shocked by my dad's diagnosis. God was not spinning around, wondering what needed to happen next. He was sovereign over my dad's cancer and had a plan for his life that was for my dad's good and His glory. Even if I still don't understand why God decided to bring my dad home a few days less than my mom. I do know that God is still good.
As time passed and dad began to receive treatment for his cancer, I had hope that my dad would be okay. The doctor's seemed to know what they were doing and my dad expressed hope and encouragement that he would be okay. As more time passed, my dad would get tired and need to lie down and rest. Anyone who knew my dad, knew that he did not easily get tired. Instead, he was a man with boundless energy and was constantly busy with chopping wood, weeding the garden and tree rows, tending to repairs with the house, serving in the church and in the Gideons, helping to lead a Bible study for an assissted living place (he would even ski there in the winter!), and many more tasks. As more time passed, dad became more and more tired. Then, last March, he had another CAT scan that showed the cancer had spread and we could tell that he was getting worse.
Throughout this past year, God was preparing my heart for saying goodbye to my dad, at least goodbye for now. I have been connected with him through WhatsApp and we would message back and forth several times a week and talk at least once a week for at least an hour, many times for longer. Before my mom passed, we would talk in the morning as that was the best time to catch him. Once he was finished with his morning devotions, he would be outside working and would not have his phone on him. This past year, I was still calling him in his morning but later in the year, I began calling him later in the day as he would spend more time in the house to rest. Our conversations, messaging and sharing photos is now a precious memory that I hold dearly. There is defintely a void with my dad being gone. It feels really strange with both of my parents gone. It's really hard to describe. Some have asked if I feel like an orphan? Yes and no. Yes, my parents are now both gone but I know that I will see them again. We are only separated for a short time. Even better, I still have and always will have my heavenly father, who is a father to the fatherless. He is near. He is good all the time, even in the midst of the hard. And I can trust him. I had to surrender the life of my dad and let him go as it was God's timing. God's writing the story and someday, I will see the full picture and will be amazed at the tale.
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